Ever gone to replace a car battery and end up exhausted in the end and want to kick the shit out of the car tires? Here's what I know about replacing the car battery without making your back hurt.

You should first protect your eyes from battery acid and the sparks with a pair of work gloves and splash proof polycarbonate goggles (work shades). And above all, make sure the car is off, moron. Just take the keys out of the ignition to be safe.

1. Unscrew the bracket that bolt the battery in place. Use a wrench to loosen the bolts of the negative terminal; then remove the clamp. Repeat with the positive terminal. Do not let the wrench touch both terminals at the same time or your hair will look like Flock of Seagulls or worse, Emmett Brown. And it will HURT!

2. Carefully lift out the battery. Mix 1 tsp of baking soda with 1 pint of water. Dip a toothbrush, an old one, not your wife’s. I know you're tempted, I was. (kidding), in the baking soda mix and scrub off any corrosion covering the terminals of the battery clamps and the tray. Dry it off with a rag.

3. Place the new battery in the tray, make sure that the positives and negatives are facing in the correct direction. Screw on the brackets to hold the battery down. You don't want your battery to fall out. That would suck.

4. Put some petroleum jelly (my wife would be so upset with the use of the product), but it helps to keep the battery terminals from corroding. Place the clamps back on their proper terminals and wrench the bolts tight. Again don't touch the terminals together with the wrench. Start the car. Be sure and recycle your old battery. I take mine to the local auto-supply store and they even pay you. Imagine that.




Here's how to jump start a dead battery.

A. Make sure that both cars are turned off. Connect one end of the red, the pos. to the end of the staled car batteries red terminal and the other to your car battery (the good battery).

B. Connect one end of the black, negative jumper cable to the neg. terminal of the good battery. Then connect the other black, neg. cable to a clean, unpainted metal surface under the disabled car’s hood. Do not connect the other negative cable to the negative terminal of the dead battery. It will and could cause a serious explosion of the battery.

C. Start the car that's doing the jumping, and allow it to run for 2 to 3 minutes before starting the disabled vehicle.

D. Remove the cables in reverse order as you put them on. Be sure to keep the just-jumped car running for at least 30 minutes to give the battery sufficient time to recharge itself. Then get in your car and be proud that you take care of your car better than the last guy.